the struggles of an artist

You know what? I don't know what to think in this life anymore. I have tried to follow my heart and follow the Lord's leadings with everything I do, and I'm still stuck feeling helpless and lacking. I have been thinking today:

Has my life been worth anything to you, Lord?

Am I worth anything to this world?


/> Why do I WANT to be worth something to the world?

Should that even matter to me?


Why aren't unstructured living, artistic projects, and radical faith seen as valuable currency in this life?



Why do other people make me feel low and lesser for not having things figured out, for not being what they would call 'responsible', and for not planning for my future?





Sometimes I look around me and feel like many of us are trying to play a grown-up game, getting careers, acting like we really know how to solve people's problems... acting like we have any clue how to fix this world... when often, we aren't even learning the essentials from our Creator in what he wants to teach us to do.





...but I do respect and admire people with careers under their belts. I'm perhaps even envious of their dedication, perseverance, and resolution. Perhaps, comparatively, I'm the one who still feels like a child who doesn't know how to grow up and live as a responsible adult in this world.







And maybe I'm still thinking about the approval of others too much. I am happy with how I've spent my life so far: with traveling, painting, singing, making music, taking care of the kids around me, building relationships, dreaming, praying, and much more.






...but a few judgemental comments from others, and I'm sent into a few days of identity crisis! Sometimes it can really get me down, especially when we're in transition times, and even my artistic goals and projects are kind of on pause. Like now.



But I am valuable. I feel the potential on my life that has not yet come into season. I feel the burden of expectation sometimes, from all the people who have known me growing up, and sometimes I just sit and wait for the order from someone to go and DO whatever it is I am 'supposed' to do, not knowing where to start.





But a lot of life is self-motivation, I am realizing. No one is going to kick my butt into gear to create things, or to accomplish things, except me. Entrepreneurs especially have to face up to their lack-of-motivation to find, and find again their curiosity for life. I just need to know what I want to do and do it... valuable to the world or not.




"True artists don't meet needs as much as create new cravings." -Leonard Sweet.

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." -Ellen Parr






"Nothing ever got accomplished without great enthusiasm." -Emerson