Being a listener and friend who helps.

I was thinking today about this, and thought I'd share some important things I've been learning about in the last few years. I'm definitely no psych major, and I'm sure there are people with more clear language on this than me, so feel free to comment and add your thoughts if you have more to say on this subject.

When I share something about myself with a friend... a struggle, a heartache, a feeling... what am I really expressing, and why am I sharing? Why do I sometimes walk away feeling relieved, and sometimes walk away feeling miserable? Is it ever worth it to share important things on my heart with the people around me, or do I need to keep more to myself so that I 'protect myself' from that feeling of emptiness when a reaction stifles me?

I think we all feel the need, for some reason, to share our lives and emotions with the people we live with. We are constantly looking for a friend to mutually witness each other's growth and journey in life. We would be miserable if we didn't have avenues of sharing ourselves with each other, I believe. We are meant for intimacy and sharing. So why is this so hard sometimes? We get hurt. We respond out of selfishness to each other sometimes. Yeah, we all make mistakes. I do. So what is it that those certain exceptional supporters and listeners have that we each need in our lives, and how can I become one of those people?

I believe that when a person is struggling with something, they need to be able to recognize what it is, process it and understand it for themselves, and then walk through the journey of working their way through it. And we need each other's help along the way, too. Sometimes we run into emotions that rise up in us like a sudden tsunami. Shoving these feelings down and pretending they don't exist only worsens the burden later on. When a friend shares their feelings with you, knowing that you are someone who cares for them, it can be extremely healing and helpful... if you have the tools to know how to support them. We often miss the ball on how to listen to our friends. Sometimes we can stop their healing process right then and there if we respond in a careless way. This is the point of what I wanted to write about today...

When someone shares something personal with you, a feeling, an emotion, a struggle... it's very very important to validate their emotions by listening with sympathy and understanding. Many people have never even experienced this in their entire lives... and it's so necessary for us not to feel guilty or like we have to shove these feelings down, so that we can then deal with the problem that we are feeling.

Here are a few 'tips' I looked up on 'validating emotions'... I really like them and I think they're great ways to really help people access their own solutions.



-don't dismiss a person's emotions as silly or inconsequential -they are obviously very important to that person.

-listen to your friend in a way that lets him/her know that you are paying attention and taking them seriously.

-don't judge or criticize emotions, but find a way to show the person that you undertand what he/she is feeling.

-remember that words of understanding should always come before words of advice or words of personal challenge

-allow a person to mourn and grieve things that they feel pain over; don't try to hurry them out of the grief. This is an essential step to their healing.

Why We Are Afraid Artists

I found this little article that I wrote through a conversation with Dave and our friend Sarah. I came across it and decided that it needed to be shared, in case any of you struggle with these things, too.


We are afraid a lot of the time to pursue the gifts God has given us and the things we love to do, particularly in the arts. Why? Sarah and I came to a conclusion tonight... it's not a fear of failure, exactly, as sometimes we mistake it for... it's a fear of success. Crazy, I know...

When your are not successful, no one expects anything from you. You have freedom to create just out of pure passion and enjoyment of your gifts. You are free to work on independent, grassroots projects with your friends that are so much fun. You are free to be silly, with no image. Your art isn't stunted with the need to impress, to look sophisticated, intelligent, professional, or any of those other grown-up things.

My friend was telling me the other day how this well-known worship-leader finally put on a concert, and everyone was so excited. She said that he rarely puts on shows, even though everyone wants him to and he would easily fill a large venue with eager people as often as he chose to step out of his cocoon. My friend expressed how she loved this guy's humility, because he really doesn't like performing for people, he's really just likes worshipping God.

But as she was talking, my heart was completely on-beat with this worship leader's real feelings. "It's not necessarily humility", I thought... it's the feeling of "Lord, take this cup from me... it's too big for me!" It's the fear of all the expectations that will be on you once you are 'big'... and how much that will make you feel boxed-in to an image that you aren't even sure is you. Artists are so often on a constant life-exploration of who they are... they are constantly morphing, changing, etc... and how often do you hear disappointed fans talk about their favourite artist's newest album that is so different from the last one that they loved? As an artist, you're always raising the bar on yourself; sometimes even accomplishing a good project makes you fearful of doing the next one.

For most of us, the words 'going big' feel like a lot to handle. When Sarah get's told that she's going to be 'big' in this world, she gets overwhelmed with the whole thing... with the big picture... how do I get there? The big picture tends to drown out the simplicity of each little daily step. Our little minds can't see how the whole thing all together will play out, and we forget that we only need to put one foot in front of the other one at a time. The big picture of going big, feels too big for who we are.

We need to come to the place as artists, where no matter who or how many we are performing to, who we are working with, or what is expected of us, we are able to create and perform purely with the joy of just doing it. We want to be walking away from each experience just glad to have been able to create, whether or not it bombed.

Because, the fact is, the world needs what we have to communicate. I'll quote a friend of ours: "You have an F***ing moral obligation to people like me and to this world to let your voice be blown through a loudspeaker."
Another friend of ours who is a firefighter expressed to us how he needs what us artists have... because he doesn't get that in his daily life, and when he experiences Holy-Spirit-inspired art, if feeds him in a way that makes him realize that he was STARVING for it. The world needs our expressions of what God has put in us. It's non-negotiable in a way... God gives it to us; it's to share. It's valuable to this world.

So find what it is that gets your creative juices flowing... that get's your hands eager to create... that gets your mind flowing with ideas... find out what inspires you. Is it a U2 concert? Is it going into an art gallery? Is it going for a solo hike in the mountains? Is it having an invigorating conversation with a good friend? Is it going to see a good play? Playing make-believe?

What inspires you and gets your creative juices flowing?

What piece of work by someone else do you wish you had created?

Who are your heroes, and what are the traits that make them your heroes?