Our New Home

This weekend was the first time I feel like I really got to soak in our new home. I am realizing what an amazing wonderland we now live in.



Our trailer pad where our blue bus sits overlooks green fields with cows grazing peacefully all day. Every morning a low fog rolls into our valley, creating multi-layers of silloetted trees. It's so amazing and dramatic. I also hear the horses neigh in the pasture nearby and see them jolt on a little run now and then in the distance.



Then there are the peacocks that roam around the property. I thought there were just 3, but then one day I counted about 12, which made more sense, since they seemed to be everywhere at once sometimes. (ha). There are also sheep that live in a pasture behind our neighbour's house. There are also cyotes that we hear sometimes at night.



Last but not least, (not including the neighbourhood dogs whose poop I'm avoiding on the road daily), there are the cats. Now, the cats live underneath an old moldy trailer beside ours. (I know, the trailer takes a bit away from the ethereal view, but you take what you can). Now these cats are wild, I'd say... meaning they live outside and no one has neutered them to stop reproducing. There are about 5 of them. They sit on an old van bench-seat, with a little table in front of them, obviously an old human hang-out that they've adopted. I've come to consider these cats as comrades. I will not try to coax them to me (I've learned my lesson with wild cats... they can infect you nastily with a bite and send you to the hospital or worse!)... and nor will they come too close to me, but I think we became real friends when yesterday, we heard one cat meowing outside our door. Dave and I both love animals, and so we both opened the door to look at the little guy.



"Meow!" he pleaded.

"what do you want, there, little buddy?" Dave said.

"Meow!" was the earnest response. "Meow!" He said over and over again, looking very longingly at us.

I finally decided to share our milk with the cats. So I took a cup out, and poured it into their bowl. (yes, they have a bowl that our landlord puts catfood in when he can). The cats first scattered and then came bouncing back when I walked away, lapping up our milk happily. So now they sometimes follow me a few steps when I go walking. It's very cute.



Oh! I missed out the other attraction around here that is great... we have amazing people that are always around. Yes, every day we walk up and eat and talk and hang out with our friends, the Rosens, (who have done their own share of trailer living with their 3 daughters), and all the fun and spunky dancers that happen to be around their house. It's always fun up here. So our life is full these days.



Well, off to dance class for me! It's ballet and tap today. Later friends.

WAY better.

Okay, after the nervousness of day 1 in full-time dance school, things have gone MUCH better. I find myself dancing everywhere I go... I feel like Billy Elliot pirouetting down the road, open-mouthed grin on the face. Literally. Can you picture it? (hee hee).

So I am catching on to it! I'm actually really proud of myself. I am sore all over still, and it's still getting worse, but they're kind of like war-wounds. I stretch everywhere I go. I want to announce to strangers, "I'M A DANCER!" I feel so proud. I have ALWAYS wanted to dance.

Anyway, I've got to go to sleep. My body is telling me I need to collapse now.

Hah--- if you read my last entry, you're probably laughing at the opposite way I'm feeling now. From "Desperate! I'm so freaked out!" to "I'm so happy I can't contain myself!"

WOA.

Hey, long time no post. Yup, it's been a few days of settling into our new big blue bus that we now live in. It's very cool and cozy inside. Dave and I got it all set-up and organized, then sat down and thought... "how did we get here, of all places?" A farm-like area just beside Fort Langley, with cows, cats, horses, and peacocks roaming around nearby, and a bunch of crazy (good crazy) people dancing all day long in that big barn beside us and... woa! Wait, I'm becoming one of those crazy people who dance all day! But they're CRAZY. Yes, they're all extremely fun, outgoing people, it seems like... who have more funk in the way they dress and move than I have in my little finger!

Anyway, all that to get to telling you that yesterday was my first day of classes. Woa. That's why this blog is titled so. Woa. It was sooooo hard. It was also very fun when I caught on to something, but that wasn't... um... very frequent! We began the week with Ballet and Tap. Apparently they just throw the first-year students into the really hard stuff so we pick it up quicker. Um, except that only two of us in the class AREN'T pro-ballerinas already! Oh my! I felt like a stumbling rhinocerous who was traipsing along behind all these beautiful gazelles. So I freaked out a little bit afterwards... yes, some crying, some panicking, some worrying, a LOT of praying, until I met up with our friends who run the whole thing later and they said that I was a natural and looked so good! What? I guess they meant 'potential', because I really wasn't feeling natural in there!

Oh well. Here's what I've decided: It's going to be freakin' hard. It's going to be gruelling. I'm going to be sore here, here, here, here, and here constantly for a month, and I'm going to lose a LOT of pride. I'm going to learn self-discipline, something that I've been confessing to God over this last year that I don't have a lot of. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY! Because HE won't fail to put you in a situation that corrects your little issues. Yes, Dave offered to beat up whoever I wanted when I was upset yesterday, and I said, "Pride and Fear, please!

So here I goooooOOOOOOOoooooooo....oooo....oooo .

By the way, any visitors I would really welcome. SO if you're in the area, or feel like making a special trip out for the occassion, please come by! (Email me or call me for directions... it's really easy to find.)

the struggles of an artist

You know what? I don't know what to think in this life anymore. I have tried to follow my heart and follow the Lord's leadings with everything I do, and I'm still stuck feeling helpless and lacking. I have been thinking today:

Has my life been worth anything to you, Lord?

Am I worth anything to this world?


/> Why do I WANT to be worth something to the world?

Should that even matter to me?


Why aren't unstructured living, artistic projects, and radical faith seen as valuable currency in this life?



Why do other people make me feel low and lesser for not having things figured out, for not being what they would call 'responsible', and for not planning for my future?





Sometimes I look around me and feel like many of us are trying to play a grown-up game, getting careers, acting like we really know how to solve people's problems... acting like we have any clue how to fix this world... when often, we aren't even learning the essentials from our Creator in what he wants to teach us to do.





...but I do respect and admire people with careers under their belts. I'm perhaps even envious of their dedication, perseverance, and resolution. Perhaps, comparatively, I'm the one who still feels like a child who doesn't know how to grow up and live as a responsible adult in this world.







And maybe I'm still thinking about the approval of others too much. I am happy with how I've spent my life so far: with traveling, painting, singing, making music, taking care of the kids around me, building relationships, dreaming, praying, and much more.






...but a few judgemental comments from others, and I'm sent into a few days of identity crisis! Sometimes it can really get me down, especially when we're in transition times, and even my artistic goals and projects are kind of on pause. Like now.



But I am valuable. I feel the potential on my life that has not yet come into season. I feel the burden of expectation sometimes, from all the people who have known me growing up, and sometimes I just sit and wait for the order from someone to go and DO whatever it is I am 'supposed' to do, not knowing where to start.





But a lot of life is self-motivation, I am realizing. No one is going to kick my butt into gear to create things, or to accomplish things, except me. Entrepreneurs especially have to face up to their lack-of-motivation to find, and find again their curiosity for life. I just need to know what I want to do and do it... valuable to the world or not.




"True artists don't meet needs as much as create new cravings." -Leonard Sweet.

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." -Ellen Parr






"Nothing ever got accomplished without great enthusiasm." -Emerson

Impulse

So I have a story. A very short one. I was hanging out with a girl-friend, Becky, and we were talking about all the things that God is doing in our lives... and... pretty much... it's just crazy these days. God is still here with me, but it's crazy. On my part, it seems like I have to make all these radical decisions that are REALLY pushing my boundaries and my faith (like this dance school thing). I go between being really over-hyper excited about it, to being terrified out of my guts over it. Hmmm... some real struggles there.

ANYWAY, getting to the fun point, because the point of this blog is kind of funny... Becky and I, after much talking about our mutual frustrations and unclear directions from God, walked into London Drugs so she could get a few things. Now, I was feeling crazy and a bit impulsive. We were just there to window shop, though she did have something to get there. We wandered around, and meandered into the hair section. Into the hair-dye section. I looked at all the rich colours (I'm an artist, I appreciate these things), and I thought of how I have always wanted to try dyeing my hair, but was always afraid to do it... just because I didn't want to give up my 'natural' status with being blonde... a colour I love also.

Then I thought, I'm always held back by SO many things in fear, little or big, and I'm tired of that. I feel impulsive. I feel crazy. I grabbed a package of warm caramel-chocolate coloured dye and said to Becky, "I'm going to do it. I'm going to dye my hair brown."

Becky looked at me and said, "Do it."
I said, "I'm going to. Am I? No... I'm going to."

So. I bought the hair dye. We go home to her house. I pull it out of the bag in front of Dave, expecting a puppy-voice saying, "Don't do it!" But instead, he says to me, "cool."

So I got ready. I opened the package. I started reading the instructions. I started getting out the bottles of various things. But the hair dye was missing. Silly. Is that a sign, God? No way. I'm all prepped to do it. Becky and I drive back to London Drugs. We go in. The two employees there look at me and say, "maybe it's a sign... maybe you're not supposed to do it," and the other one says, "are you CRAZY?" I get a wierd sneer from her, obviously thought it was awful to colour pure-blonde hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I've got that all my life. It's time for a change. I'm doing it.

WE bring the hair-dye home. We both conclude that God doesn't mind what my hair colour is. This is just fun. We put it in my hair... "No more virgin hair!" Becky says gleefully as she's rubbing it in. Actually, she's a bit of a hair-dye junkie... but in no way was this her influence on me. Nope, it was all my crazy idea.

So.... that's the story. I loved my new hair that night, woke up, shock hit, and I mourned my blonde hair for a good hour. Then I got over it, because, what the heck? It doesn't look half-bad, and... it's only hair. Hair that's signifying the huge changes that God is doing in me.

It emboldened me. It made me give up a secret status I thought I had. Bah! No more. I like it.



So next on the list is ear-piercing. I'll have to grab a friend to hold my hand, but I'm going to do it.